Brought to you by Tokin’ Jew—where culture meets cannabis

A High-Stakes Story of Fate, Faith, and Fire Herb

Purim is the most turnt Jewish holiday of the year, and like any great Jewish story, it involves parties, persecution, and plot twists. But what if it also involved royal hotboxes, terpene-infused feasts, and a king too high to read the fine print on a genocide decree?

That’s where we come in. This is the Megillah of Kush—a retelling of the ancient Jewish holiday that brought us a story of survival, redemption, and the first recorded case of a monarch signing legal documents while absolutely blitzed.

Chapter 1: King Spliffverosh and the Six-Month Sesh

In the days of King Spliffverosh, ruler of 127 provinces from Hodu to Kush, the man had legendary tolerance. And we don’t mean patience—we mean weed. His royal stash never ran dry, the palace constantly smelled like terpenes, and the economy? 90% cannabis exports.

One day, the king decided that the ultimate flex would be to throw the longest, biggest sesh in recorded history—180 days straight. His officials, army bros, and VIP joint-rollers were all invited. The motto? Smoke what you want. Eat what you want. Pass to the left.
After six months of hotboxing the palace, the king declared that everyone in Kushan deserved a taste. So, he held a week-long open-bar, open-bong festival for commoners—nobles, street dealers, and all. Gold goblets, silver rolling trays, edibles in every strain imaginable—pure debauchery.

Meanwhile, Queen Hash (formerly Hash-ti) hosted a luxury infused spa weekend for the women of the court. Their stash? The Chanel No. 5 of hashish. But then, on the seventh night, King Spliffverosh made a fatal mistake.

Absolutely obliterated, he demanded Queen Hash roll him a joint wearing only her crown.
Hash, a true legend, took a long, dramatic drag from her diamond-studded blunt, exhaled directly into the messenger’s face, and declared:

“Roll your own damn joint, you useless, overgrown hookah hose of a man.”
The room fell silent.
The king’s advisors, his most loyal weed philosophers, panicked.
“If this disrespect is allowed,” they warned, “women will start rolling for themselves! They’ll have their own stashes! Their own lighters! Their own—”
“ENOUGH!” the king roared, coughing from a dab that hit wrong.

And so, Queen Hash was banished. And thus began the search for a new Queen of Green.

Chapter 2: Esther, the Queen of Green

The king launched a Kingdom-Wide Cannabis Cup to find the chillest, most enlightened woman in the land. Every contestant endured a 12-month detox & terpene-balancing regimen, plus final rounds testing:

✅ Rolling skills
✅ Edible dosing knowledge
✅ Smoke tricks

Enter Esther, aka The Queen of Green—a mysterious beauty raised by her budtender uncle Mordechai. She entered the palace with nothing but flawless vibes and the ability to hit a bong without coughing.
The king? Smitten.

He crowned her Queen and granted her full access to the royal dispensary.
Meanwhile, Mordechai—the kingdom’s greatest strain cultivator—was stationed at the palace gates, overseeing the king’s bud supply. That’s when he overheard a dark plot.

“The king smokes too much,” whispered two disgruntled, dry, weedless guards.
“If we take him out, we can outlaw weed forever.”

Mordechai immediately snitched to Esther, who warned the king. The two traitors were promptly sent to “the great rehab in the sky.”

Chapter 3: Haman, The Rise of the Royal Buzzkill

Needing someone to handle the boring, non-fun parts of ruling, the king promoted Haman the Hash Hater to Royal Advisor. This guy? A walking anti-weed PSA. Never smoked, never vaped, never even set foot inside a dispensary. He called bongs “devil’s trumpets.”

With his newfound power, Haman banned kush from the palace. He outlawed rolling papers in public. Worst of all? He declared war on the Tokin’ Jews—those who still practiced the sacred art of the sesh.

But there was one stoner he hated most.

Mordechai.

While other nobles groveled, Mordechai stood tall, puffing away like he personally owned the kingdom’s entire supply.

Haman snapped.

“If one stoner refuses to bow, all stoners must pay.”

So, he rolled up a decree (but not the good kind)—a law calling for the extermination of every Tokin’ Jew.
The king, mid-bong rip, barely read it.

“Uh-huh… sure, sure… eliminate an entire people… okay… wait, what was that last part?”

Haman slid him a fresh plate of nachos.

“Tax fraud prevention, sire. Very technical. You wouldn’t be interested.”

The king, distracted by cheese logistics, stamped his approval.

And thus, the news spread like wildfire.

Chapter 4: Mordechai’s Bad Trip & Esther’s Wake-Up Call

Mordechai was not okay.

Ever since Haman’s anti-weed decree hit the streets, the man was in full-blown protest mode. He threw on sackcloth and ashes, camped outside the palace gates, and paced like someone who had just watched their last pre-roll fall into a sewer grate.
Inside the palace, Queen Esther was chilling, sipping citrusy sativa tea, when her phone exploded with notifications.

⚠️ Uncle Momo (Mordechai) sent 12 messages to “Fam Group Chat” ⚠️
📜 Mordechai: “I’M OUTSIDE. SACKCLOTH. ASHES. BAD.”
📜 Mordechai: “WORSE THAN YOU THINK.”
📜 Mordechai: “KING SIGNED A DECREE. IT’S HAPPENING.”
📜 Mordechai: “BRO, CHECK THE ATTACHMENTS.”
📜 Mordechai sent: [HamanDeathPlot_FINAL_v3.pdf]
Esther scrolled. Her buzz? Gone.
🎤 Voice Note from Mordechai (0:47s): “Listen, kid. You think you’re safe in the palace? Think again. If you don’t act now, we’re all doomed. But maybe—just maybe—you were chosen for this very sesh.”

Esther stared at her screen.
She inhaled deep. Held it. Exhaled.
Esther: “Tell everyone to fast. Three days. No food. No drink. No smoking.”

Message sent.

Chapter 5: The Royal Dab Sesh & Haman’s High Horse

After three days of absolute sobriety, Queen Esther was barely functioning. But she pulled on her royal robes, fixed her crown, and marched into the palace.

King Spliffverosh was deep in a gravity bong session, halfway between enlightenment and forgetting his own name, when he spotted Esther.

He blinked. His brain lagged. Then, with the smooth, slow-motion movements of a man too high to function, he extended his golden scepter.

Esther let out the smallest sigh of relief.

The king grinned lazily. “What troubles you, my Queen? Up to half the kingdom, it’s yours.”

She smirked. “I just want one little thing…”

The king perked up.

“A private feast. You, me… and Haman.”

Chapter 6: Haman’s Bad Trip

Haman left the first feast feeling invincible.

He had dined with the queen, sipped aged kosher wine, and completely missed the part where he was about to get destroyed.

But as he strolled home, who did he see?

Mordechai.

Still sitting at the gates, still high as a kite, still not bowing.

Haman’s ego collapsed faster than someone who took one hit too many before a Zoom meeting.
His wife, Zeresh, sighed. “You know what would fix this? Build a giant gallows. Make a statement.”
Haman perked up.

By nightfall, construction had begun.

Chapter 7: The King’s Late-Night Munchies Revelation

King Spliffverosh couldn’t sleep.

Maybe it was too many dabs. Maybe it was some cursed edibles. Maybe it was just karma catching up with him for signing random death warrants while high.

Lying in bed, paranoia crept in.

“What if my crown is just the lid to an oversized grinder?!”
“WHAT IF HAMAN ISN’T MY FRIEND?!”

Needing a distraction, he called for the royal chronicles.

His scribes shuffled in, unrolled a massive scroll, and started reading.

💀 Scribe: “Mordechai saved your life once.”
👑 King Spliffverosh: “What?”
💀 Scribe: “Yep. Uncovered an assassination plot. You never thanked him.”
👑 King Spliffverosh: “I NEVER GAVE HIM A THANK-YOU BLUNT?!”
The king panicked. He needed to fix this. Immediately.
Right at that moment, Haman walked in, ready to request Mordechai’s execution.
👑 King: “Quick question—what should be done for the man the king truly wishes to honor?”
💀 Haman (internally): OMG it’s about me.
💀 Haman (out loud): “Dress him in royal robes! Parade him on the king’s horse! Make a huge deal out of it.”
👑 King: “BRILLIANT. Do all of that… for Mordechai.”
💀 Haman’s soul left his body.

By sunrise, Haman was leading his worst enemy through the streets, shouting his praises. Meanwhile, Mordechai sparked a fresh joint and let the sweet, sweet irony wash over him.

Chapter 8: The Big Bong Reveal

At the second feast, Esther finally made her move.

👑 King Spliffverosh (fully vibing): “My love, what’s your wish? A royal dab bar? Half the kingdom?”
Esther leaned in. “My wish? My people’s lives.”

The king’s buzz evaporated.

👑 King: “Wait. WHAT?!”
👑 King: “WHO DID THIS?!”
Esther pointed.
🖕 “That evil bastard right there.”

Haman froze.

👑 King Spliffverosh: “HAMAN?! YOU?!”
💀 Haman internally: This is the worst day of my life.

The king stormed out in rage.
Haman panicked. He threw himself at Esther’s couch, begging for mercy.

👑 King (walking back in): “ARE YOU SERIOUS? FIRST YOU TRY TO KILL HER, NOW YOU’RE GETTING HANDSY?!”
📣 Courtier (eagerly chiming in): “Uh, Sire? Haman just built a 50-cubit-high gallows for Mordechai.”
👑 King: “PERFECT. HANG HIM ON IT.”

By sundown, Haman was swinging from the very gallows he built.

Chapter 9: The First Purim Sesh

Mordechai got Haman’s old job and a fresh royal robe upgrade.
Meanwhile, Esther wasn’t done.

 Esther: “Majesty, Haman’s decree is still out there.”
👑 King Spliffverosh: “Oh, sh*t. Right.”
👑 King: “Mordechai, draft a new decree. Tokin’ Jews can fight back.”

Within hours, new laws were dispatched.
The Tokin’ Jews ROLLED DEEP.
By 4:20 PM on the 13th of Adar, battle began.
By nightfall? It wasn’t even close.

Chapter 10: The Purim Afterparty & Mordechai’s Final Flex

With the haters defeated, the Tokin’ Jews threw the wildest afterparty in history.
Mordechai, now fully dripped out in royal robes, made it official:

📜 “Every year, on the 14th and 15th of Adar, we sesh. We feast. We drink. We celebrate.”

And so, Purim became the OG Jewish party holiday.
So light up, roll deep, and remember—
never let a Haman kill your vibe.

Chag Purim Sameach! 🎭🔥

TL;DR: What Is Purim?

Purim is a Jewish holiday of survival, redemption, and wild celebrations. It commemorates when Queen Esther and Mordechai saved the Jewish people from Haman’s evil plot in ancient Persia.

What do we do on Purim?

• Read the Megillah 📜 (aka “the scroll” telling the story)
• Party HARD 🍷🔥 (literally—Jewish law encourages it)
• Share gifts of food 🥖🍪 (aka mishloach manot)
• Give to charity 💰 (because good vibes must be shared)
• Wear costumes & get loud 🎭🥂 (think Jewish Mardi Gras)

At Tokin’ Jew, we’re all about celebrating Jewish tradition with a high twist. So light up, roll deep, and remember— never let a Haman kill your vibe.

Key Wordplays & References

• Kushan → Play on Shushan, where the Purim story took place.
• King Spliffverosh → A take on King Ahasuerus (Achashverosh) with “spliff.”
• Queen Hashti → Pun on Queen Vashti and hash.
• Mordechai the Dank → A nod to Mordechai the Jew, reimagined as a master cultivator.
• Tokin’ Jews → A play on “Chosen Jews” and “Toking” (smoking).
  

So, smoke what you want. Drink what you want. Pass to the left.
And never let a Haman kill your vibe.
Peace, love and happiness - Love, Tokin Jew